What she really wants for Christmas


“Do you think that Santa could help Roman talk?  That would be the coolest Christmas present ever.”

Those words came directly from the mouth of my daughter today.  I had no answer, instead tears welled up in my eyes and I let one or two roll down my cheek.  It was the sweetest thing I’d ever heard.

“Mom, don’t cry.  If anyone can do it, Santa can.”

Now, I think that Tanis has a little too much faith in the jolly ol’ elf.  But that’s part of the magic of Christmas from the perspective of a five year old.  Thinking about it, I am the same way though.  I have too much faith in the drug trial.  At first, this seemed only natural, as he started talking more almost immediately.  I couldn’t help but have high hopes.

Now, the words have stalled.  We may hear one or two words a day, usually “mom” and “ball” or “no”.  He’s been babbling a lot, trying to get out more words and phrases, which we haven’t heard in several days.  No begging or pleading can get him to talk.  He just stares at us blankly.  I don’t know what else to do.

Perhaps there is nothing I can do and that’s the most frustrating thing of all.  There’s days, like today, when honestly, I hate autism.  Most days, I can deal with it, but today is different.  I’ve been told by others who have tried the buspirone that it takes a good four months to see any progress.  Maybe the advances of the past couple week have nothing to do with the drug.  It’s all together possible that I just wanted to see something tangible and it was just a coincidence.

I may have a better outlook tomorrow.  Who knows, he may spout off a half dozen words by then.  The roller coaster of having a child with autism is exhausting.  I wish I was back on that high and I had some great news to share today.  I really do.  But I promised myself I would be honest in this blog, and this is what I feel today.

Maybe I’ll just go Tanis’ route and hunt down the fat man in the red suit.  I’ll sit on his lap and I’ll ask him to bring Roman some new words for Christmas.  If you really believe, it can happen, right?

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One Response to What she really wants for Christmas

  1. Nancy says:

    What is your gut telling you right now? Almost 15 years into this and it’s never let me down. Don’t question it, go with it.

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