I am the fixer


When something’s dark, let me shed a little light on it.

When something’s cold, let me put a little fire on it.

When something’s old, I wanna put a little shine on it.

When something’s gone, I wanna fight to get it back again.

lyrics to Pearl Jam’s “The Fixer”

When I first heard Pearl Jam’s first single off their last album, it struck me as the absolute truth about myself.  First, I must admit that I am a HUGE Pearl Jam fan.  Just about everything the band does strikes a chord with me.  But this was different.  I AM the fixer.  I think that a lot of us are like that, especially when it comes to our children.  We want to make everything right again.  When it comes to Roman, the question is how much really needs fixing?

I don’t want to change Roman.  I want to help him.  It took me a long time to realize that you can’t fix autism.  It’s part of who he is.  For a long time, I wished he didn’t have autism.  But then, I realized it was so ingrained in who he is that I couldn’t imagine him not having it.  The humming has become endearing.  The flapping arms are cute.  Spinning in circles is just a sign that he’s happy.

But then there’s that elusive thing called speech.  I want to fix that.  That will never change.  I know that Roman will get his speech back and anything I can do to insure that is going to be done.  I am not alone in my mission.  I have an awesome husband who works with Roman as much as I do.  Our family supports us in our endeavors.  Roman’s teachers and support staff at school are focused on his vocabulary and communication.  The whole reason I enrolled Roman in the drug study was with the hope it would increase his communication, especially speech.  Some day I WILL hear “I love you mom”.

Yes, I am still the fixer.  If something’s scraped, I’m gonna put a little band aid on it.  If something’s bumped, I’m gonna put a little kiss on it.  It words are gone, I’m gonna fight to get them back again.  No, I’m not looking to change who Roman is, I just want him to cope better with the world around him, and words are instrumental in doing that.  We will succeed.  There is no other option for the fixer.

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One Response to I am the fixer

  1. Jen says:

    I too am the fixer and would agree, I don’t think I can seperate the autism from the child, it is just part of him. We also have communication issues though speech is coming slowly. I like being a fixer though 🙂 Jen

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